Here is the least painful way to review the scattershot film that is Valentine’s Day. I will give you one handful of plotlines and another handful of stars, and you try to match them up.
1) Girl dates doctor, decides to surprise him, but discovers he is married.
2) Teenage boy and girl decide to have sex, and then don’t.
3) Mom loves her little boy.
4) Boy proposes to girl, she accepts, but everyone knows he should really be dating his best friend.
5) Girl meets nice boy and they hit it off, until he learns that she is a phone sex operator.
6) Girl throws anti-Valentine’s Day party every year to bemoan her single status.
7) Boy loves boy.
A) Hector Elizondo
B) Julia Roberts
C) Anne Hathaway
D) Bradley Cooper
E) Topher Grace
F) Jennifer Garner
G) Jamie Foxx
H) Taylor Lautner
I) Shirley MacLaine
J) Ashton Kutcher
If you haven’t figured it out yet, don’t. This is as close as you will come to caring about this movie anyway. It is as if Garry Marshall and his writing team were afraid that no more romantic comedies would ever be made, ever, ever, and therefore they needed to cram every damn scenario and cliche and demographic and movie star and Taylor Swift song they could into one ginormous motion picture. In fact, the only thing they missed was an animal, possibly cross-species romance. Why didn’t they think of that?!
Since the filmmakers didn’t give this film much thought, I’m going to extend the same courtesy and say only these three things. First, it tries so hard to be Love Actually. It’s not. Know your limits, as in limit your storylines and star wattage. Second, the film takes place in L.A. It’s a fact that almost all the non-white people disappear from L.A. on Valentine’s Day. Finally, this movie reminded me of a Korean pop music video. We all have our favorite member, but he or she only solos for 7 seconds. It also reminded me I would rather watch a K-pop video because it’s shorter by 120 minutes. And they dance.
Prod: Mike Karz; Wayne Allan Rice
Dir: Garry Marshall
Writer: Katherine Fugate
Cast: Ashton Kutcher; Jennifer Garner; Jamie Foxx; George Lopez; Patrick Dempsey; Julia Roberts; Anne Hathaway; Jessica Biel; Queen Latifah; Bradley Cooper; Eric Dane; Bryce Robinson; Hector Elizondo; Shirley MacLaine; Topher Grace; Taylor Lautner; Taylor Swift; Emma Roberts; Jessica Alba; Kathy Bates; Carter Jenkins; Larry Miller; Kristen Schaal; Erin Matthews
Time: 124 min
Country: United States