family films

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever (2014)

Grumpy Cat was right when it growled that “this movie is awful.” The Lifetime production tries to get ahead of the game with a lot of fourth-wall-breaking and puts it out there that this is a shameless cash grab. Apparently memes weren’t enough for the unhappy kitty and it, or its owners, thought it best to leverage internet fame for a bigger payday. There’s a reason why viral clips don’t last more than a few minutes though, and now here we are with a film no one wanted.

I suppose children may get a kick out of this, but I’d be wary of letting any kid I care about watch it. For all the goofiness, Grumpy Cat is just really cynical, and it’s a tiring act from the start. Aubrey Plaza, despite her comedic talents, brings the whole mood down. I know sarcastic deadpan is her thing and she’s probably a natural choice to voice a cat that hates everything, but it’s too much for a 90 minute movie and especially at Christmastime.

Thankfully one’s exasperation wears off as the adventure progresses. The entire movie is not about Grumpy Cat or talking animals. Chrystal (Megan Charpentier), a sweet teenager, is the real star and a far more joyful presence. She’s friendly with everyone at the mall where her mom works but is having a harder time breaking through to the mean girls in her class. After making a wish on an internet-purchased Christmas coin, she finds she can hear and talk to Grumpy Cat, and thus the excitement begins. Chrystal stumbles on a kidnapping one night, or a dognapping rather, at Mr. Crabtree’s (David Lewis) pet store. Two boneheaded musicians figure they can ransom Mr. Crabtree’s slobbery Leonberger, valued at one million dollars, and finally have money to go on tour. The young girl gives chase, taking Grumpy Cat along with her because why not?

There goofy plot has hints of Paul Blart: Mall Cop, a film I actually enjoyed, thank you very much. Grumpy Cat, however, has almost none of the heart. Plus, the production values aren’t great, something the testy feline can tell you him/herself. The movie has a plain and boxy look that’s low on visual interest. For my part, I wish the script would have strengthened the relationship between Chrystal and Grumps and show that dogs aren’t man’s only BFFs. The more I think about how improvements though, the more I’m reminded that we’re really just talking about a meme. I’m not in the business of encouraging full-length features based on snarky GIFS, so I’ll end by suggesting you watch something else.

Released: 2014
Dir: Tim Hill
Writer: Tim Hill, Jeff Morris
Cast: Aubrey Plaza, Megan Charpentier, David Lewis, Russell Peters, Evan Todd, Isaac Haig, Casey Manderson, Jay Brazeau
Time: 87 min
Lang: English
Country: United States
Network: Lifetime
Reviewed: 2019

The Amazing Adventure of Marchello the Cat (2008)

The wonderful thing about libraries is that you never know what you’ll discover. Sometimes you come across great gems, stories that excite the imagination and inspire real wonder, and sometimes you come across The Amazing Adventure of Marchello the Cat, a movie to be sure but not at all what I expected when I checked out this feature film.

At least it is true to its description and delivers on a story about “a sheltered indoor cat [who] escapes and is forced to face the mean city streets in order to find his way home.” There’s a plot, which is more than you can say for some kids’ movies, and it proceeds in logical fashion. Marcello (Troy Garity), a coddled black and white furball, ventures outdoors when his human mom goes off to meet her boyfriend’s family. Blame it on his kitty hormones. He attempts to flirt with outdoor cat Jujube (Michelle Rodriguez), but his efforts are cut short when he’s catnapped by a rollerblader. Naïve to the ways of the world, he is easily taken advantage of by animals who either wish him harm or who just want a laugh. All Marcello wants though is make it back home, wherever that is.

I can see someone embarking on a remake and turning this into a movie worth watching. It has cats, and I’m not going to turn down a cat movie. I did watch Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties and Nine Lives after all, so there’s no bottom line for me. Marcello encounters some interesting characters, like Pinky and Blackie, who have quite touching stories. Pinky is under the illusion that her human mom will come back to their palace any day, except she’s just an abandoned cat who sleeps in a dump. Blackie, meanwhile, is a do-gooder trying to find new homes for the strays who cross his path. The crows are a different story. They control much of the animal-to-animal communications and love nothing more than to stir up trouble.

The problem, however, is that this plays like someone’s home movies from the 1990s. You’re honestly going to get better production values by sticking your iPhone on a tripod and capturing the neighborhood pets. Writer and director Susan Emerson, who has a handful of credits to her name, pieces what I assume are the best bits of her grainy, zoom-happy footage and still ends up with something that looks like amateur YouTube. In addition, the perspective is all over the place, which I guess is what happens when you take a handheld camera and chase a few animals around. Sometimes we get shots from Marchello’s point of view and sometimes we’re just creepy voyeurs from afar spying on him and his furry friends. If you must watch this, I’d recommend muting the sound, but really, just stick with the cute cat videos already populating the internet.

Alt Titles: Cats: The Movie!; A Cat’s Tale
Released: 2008
Prod: Paul Williams
Dir: Susan Emerson
Writer: Susan Emerson
Cast: Troy Garity, Michelle Rodriguez, Mara Lane, Dominique Swain, Troy Hall, Jeremy Sisto, Shannon Conlon, Jeremy Piven
Time: 100 min
Lang: English
Country: United States
Reviewed: 2019

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindenwald (2018)

The last time I was this devastated by the imaginary happenings of J.K. Rowling’s Wizarding World was due to the death of Sirius Black. The Crimes of Grindenwald compounds that trauma since pretty much no one gets out of this film unscathed. Critics and fans might include themselves in that number too. This second installment of the Fantastic Beasts series received a frosty reception by those who took issue with its sloppy writing and convoluted plot, fair points on both accounts. For what it’s worth though, which is not a lot, I’ve spent more hours with this movie than with all the other films and books combined.

Sure, I’ll cop to being superficial and acknowledge that the cast is partly the reason. Former Burberry models Eddie Redmayne and Callum Turner are fucking snacks in their woolen three-piece suits. Then there’s Jude Law, a man who can do smoking hot pope and smoking hot wizard prof. Zoe Kravitz holds it down for the ladies. I’ve never wanted to be an emotionally tortured witch from the 1920s as much as I do when I see her, and her wardrobe. In fact, the whole costume department can come over and outfit me for the day, or forever. The handsome period clothing is also matched by the film’s sumptuous design, with Europe proving a far lusher playground than gloomy post-war America.

The malcontents are not wrong about the film’s faults though. The story, which takes place a shortly after the events of the first movie, is slow to come together. Magizoologist Newt Scamandar (Redmayne) is back in London after tearing up New York. He briefly reunites with his former Hogwarts teacher, Dumbledore (Law), who seeks his help on another errand that will likely get both in trouble with the Ministry. Events soon force Newt and the others to travel to France, where everyone is pursuing the mysterious Credence Barebone (Ezra Miller). American auror Tina Goldstein (Katherine Waterson), who tried to protect him in America, follows the young man to Paris, keeping an eye on those who seek to kill or corrupt him. Grimmson, a bloodthirsty bounty hunter employed by the British Ministry of Magic, and Yusef Kama (William Nadylam), a shady Frenchman with a grudge, both want him dead, while the dark wizard Grindenwald (Johnny Depp), aided by his band of pureblood acolytes, hopes to use Credence for his own ends.

With no book as a guide, there’s a lot to piece together, and even the film’s 134 minute run time seems too short to do its story and characters justice. Director David Yates works with a script penned by Rowling, but they don’t filter out which of the many details are most important for this particular movie. Whereas the first film was largely about Newt and Tina’s efforts to protect Credence, Crimes of Grindenwald is missing a similar overriding narrative. At times, it is focused on Credence’s search for his true identity, and at others, it is about Grindenwald’s attempt to upend the world order, replacing it with one in which witches and wizards reign superior. Leta Lestrange (Kravitz) also finds herself at the center of things. Newt’s best and only friend from Hogwarts, Leta is now engaged to his brother, Theseus (Turner), and remains haunted by a past that she’s reluctant to revisit.

The lack of strong relationships is one reason why the film seems so disjointed. The movie conspires to keep everyone apart, creating a certain amount of tension but also scattering the characters across different ends of Britain and Paris. We know Newt and Tina grow closer, but we don’t even see her for a good half hour. Meanwhile, Queenie (Alison Sudol), Tina’s sister, and her no-maj baker boyfriend, Jacob (Dan Fogler), part in anger after crashing at Newt’s flat. She’s left wandering the streets of Paris by herself. The two men then travel to France to pursue their significant others, but it turns into a real downer of a trip. Newt is too distracted by everything else to pay much attention to his best bud, and with no one as his foil, Jacob ends up looking deflated. There are good reasons for his pessimism, but the camaraderie between the two was something I was looking forward to. Fogler is great with a wry one-liner or a flummoxed stare, and he doesn’t get many chances to flex that humor here.

The actors do their best to make up for gaps in storytelling though. Redmayne and Miller ease back into their roles, finding new points of turmoil for Newt and Credence, and Sudol reveals a different side to Queenie, one in which her good and trusting nature leads to desperation. Queenie and Jacob share only a few scenes this time around, but they capitalize on them with some truly heart-wrenching moments. Likewise, the script doesn’t reveal much in the way of Newt and Theseus’s strained relationship, and we get just a few flashes of the ill will that’s been brewing for years. As Grindenwald’s threat grows, however, the brothers are forced to come together in a raw and pained confrontation.

Yet the actors’ committed portrayals in the final act are a reason why I was a little disappointed. The emotional gut punches come mostly at the end, making the rest of the film a long waiting game. The first two-thirds of the movie aren’t as stirring as they need to be and leave too many of these rich, dynamic characters hanging. Of the neglected characters and storylines, none is more underserved than Leta and Theseus’s relationship. A burning love story exists somewhere, but we hardly get to see it. That’s a shame because not only are Kravitz and Turner sexy beasts, their romance also informs so much of Newt’s character. There’s a lot of unpacking to be done regarding Dumbledore and Grindenwald’s relationship as well, work left to the remaining three films. Similarly, Nagini (Claudia Kim) is overlooked. Best known as Voldermort’s serpent companion, she still exists in human form and befriends Credence after they meet in the circus. Kim has about two lines in the whole movie and spends most of it looking very worried. If we don’t see much more of her as the series progresses, then Rowling might as well have left her out.

This brings us to a major criticism of Crimes of Grindenwald and one that I hope is corrected in the next film. The treatment of women, from lead character Tina to Newt’s fawning assistant, Bunty (Victoria Yeates), isn’t flattering. With the exception of Queenie, most are secondary to their male counterparts. Vinda (Poppy Corby-Tuech) does the bidding of Grindenwald, Nagini comforts Credence, and Bunty can’t seem to get a handle on any fantastic creature without Newt around. Even Tina is sidelined. The tenacious auror who proved all of the Magical Congress of America wrong, she does one thing of actual consequence – zapping Theseus, who is in hot pursuit of his brother, with a spell. Most maligned, however, is Leta. The embodiment of the tragic mulatto, she doesn’t get her due; rather than coming into her own, she is defined by her relationship to other men, be it Newt or Theseus or Credence. Nevertheless, I found Kravitz’s performance most moving, and having just seen the film for the nth time, I’m still picking up the pieces of my broken little heart. If Crimes of Grindenwald is an opening act for what’s to follow, then I’m very open.

Released: 2018
Prod: David Heyman, J.K. Rowling, Steve Kloves, Lionel Wigram
Dir: David Yates
Writer: Eddie Redmayne, Katherine Waterston, Dan Fogler, Alison Sudol, Ezra Miller, Zoë Kravitz, Callum Turner, Claudia Kim, William Nadylam, Kevin Guthrie, Jude Law, Johnny Depp
Time: 134 min
Lang: English, some French
Country: United Kingdom
Reviewed: 2019

Mouse Hunt (1997)

A little Money Pit and a little Ratatouille, Mouse Hunt is a mostly forgotten 1997 film that made a reappearance on network TV last weekend. Always one for children’s entertainment, I gave it a try and liked it just enough to recommend it – that is, after your standard options have been exhausted. Kids will get a kick out of the zany story about a mouse that wreaks havoc on a crumbling mansion, even if adults don’t. Fronted by Nathan Lane and Lee Evans, the film generates enough wacky energy for an afternoon laugh.

The actors play estranged brothers, heirs of string titan Rudolf Smuntz (William Hickey). Rudolph’s death brings together Ernie (Lane) and Lars (Evans), who have inherited dad’s string factory and mansion, both of which have seen better days. Ernie, a chef, hopes to sell his share and make a buck or two. The extra money couldn’t come at a better time; he needs to salvage his reputation after the mayor accidentally dines on a cockroach at his restaurant, leaving him a persona non grata in town and at home with his greedy wife. Lars, on the other hand, hopes to keep everything intact and resurrect the factory, thus reviving the Smuntz name and fortune.

The brothers agree to work together to save the mansion when they discover it is a lost masterpiece by architect Charles Lyle LaRue. They have just one week to renovate it before it goes up for auction, a mighty task under the best circumstances but an impossible one when a tenacious mouse gets in their way. The tiny rodent taunts the brothers at every turn, and they respond with every overly complicated mouse trap available. The efforts only hasten the home’s deterioration, which is the fun part if you are a child.

As I live in a house that is literally breaking apart, it pains me to see this sort of wanton destruction, but kids are kids and collapsing staircases and entryways sprayed with sewage are funny. Never mind that Ernie and Lars could easily work around the little mouse, the most benign squatter there ever was. They have to make things worse by hiring maniacal cat and, when that doesn’t work, Christopher Walken. There’s no end to the madness, and the mouse hunt escalates into an existential battle.

Writer Adam Rifkin throws out non-stop shenanigans and occasional weirdness, e.g. Belgian hair models, but it gets tiresome after awhile. I would have liked more mouse, as in an actual character. We get a few peeks from his point of view as he exercises his cunning, but his personality is pretty thin for a primary antagonist. Likewise, Ernie and Lars are too busy running around for us to explore their relationship or that with their father. This is a mostly fun and sometimes wild trip but also one without much heart.

Released: 1997
Prod: Bruce Cohn, Tony Ludwig, Alan Riche
Dir: Gore Verbinski
Writer: Adam Rifkin
Cast: Nathan Lane, Lee Evans, Vicki Lewis, Maury Chaykin, Eric Christmas, Michael Jeter, Christopher Walken, Debra Christofferson, Camilla Søeberg
Time: 98 min
Lang: English
Country: United States
Reviewed: 2019

Mary Poppins Returns (2018)

There’s a new Disney sequel or remake every quarter it seems, with at least five slated for release this year (Dumbo, Aladdin, The Lion King, Maleficent: Mistress of Evil, and Lady and the Tramp). While hopes are high for Beyonce’s The Lion King, as we call it in my house, Disney’s track record isn’t promising when it comes to these recycled classics. They may generate hundreds of millions of dollars for the studio, but most have been greeted with indifferent reviews and audiences.

The one that stands out from the bunch is Pete’s Dragon, which succeeded by embracing a new vision inspired by but not beholden to the original. Elements of the 1977 film are present in the 2016 movie, namely a magical dragon and a boy named Pete, but almost everything else, from the story to the style to the look, is its own. Instead of exhausting itself trying to find clever ways to work in the source material, the movie creates a unique vision with breathtaking results.

I’m guessing this sequel to Mary Poppins might have fared better with a similar approach. Delightful to look at and brimming with top notch talent, this film is one I really wanted to enjoy. However, director Rob Marshall strains to make something new out of the old, leaving us with a movie that looks shiny and familiar but that never truly ignites the imagination.

Mary Poppins (Emily Blunt) returns to Cherry Tree Lane to tend to the Banks family, only now young Michael and Jane are all grown up. Michael (Ben Whishaw), a recently widowed father of three, is also in danger of losing the family home. With a week to pay off his loan, he scrambles to find certificates of some bank shares while the bank president, Wilkins (Colin Firth), counts down the hours. In these desperate times, he could use some help from his magical nanny, if only to calm his frayed nerves.

In floats Mary Poppins, not a moment too soon, and so another adventure begins. Except it doesn’t really. The story moves along, winding its way through London as the new generation of Banks children (Pixie Davies, Nathanael Saleh, and Joel Dawson) tries to be helpful, either by staying out of their father’s way or getting very much in it. They are joined by lamplighter Jack (Lin-Manuel Miranda), Mary’s friend who fancies Jane (Emily Mortimer).

The main conflict is not enough to bind the story together though. Every non-house related thing, whether taking a trip to mend their mother’s old bowl or washing up for the night, seems incidental. It’s as if the plot is serving the flashy, YouTube-ready set pieces instead of the other way around. Even Mary gets sidelined, an observer along with the children rather than the source of their wonder and adventure. Emily Blunt is the understudy peering from the wings, waiting for a moment to break through. There just isn’t much for her character to do. And what she does do fails to match the excitement of, say, digging through her bottomless carpetbag or piecing together or a torn nanny advert.

I could forgive the story’s bland execution if the musical numbers turned out to be real show stoppers, but the film disappoints here as well. Each is a flight of fancy on its own, with Blunt and Miranda bearing down to deliver the razzle dazzle, but I couldn’t remember a single song if I tried. There is one about the Royal Doulton Music Hall and something about a cover not being a book, but I can’t even say if they are parts of the same piece or not.

The problem with the music is really the problem with the whole movie. Mary Poppins Returns is too reverent of and reliant on the past. Every song, every character, every detail references the 1964 original. The dance spectacle “Trip a Little Light Fantastic” is a perfunctory homage to “Step in Time.” There’s Mary dancing with penguins, the admiral firing off canons, the kids ambling through the animated countryside. Sometimes the movie does a simple swap – labor organizers for suffragettes, lamplighters for chimney sweeps. With each nod to the classic, the story loses more of itself, becoming a facsimile of the first film but without its heart or imagination.

The best example of this is “Turning Turtle,” in which Mary takes the children to visit her eccentric cousin, Topsy (Meryl Streep). They happen to call on her on the second Wednesday of the month at precisely the time her entire home and workshop turn upside down, leaving everyone to hang on for dear life. It’s an amusing sequence and echoes a similar physics-defying scene with loopy Uncle Albert. His uncontrollable laughter causes him and his guests to levitate whilst taking tea. But whereas “I Love to Laugh” combines whimsy with the characters’ emotional ups and downs, Topsy mostly sings about how crazy things look when flipped around.

The cast does its best to outshine the material though and wring every drop of tenderness out of the script. They infuse their otherwise bland characters with plenty of charisma, which is to be expected when the likes of Blunt, Miranda, and Whishaw get together. The art department also deserves special praise. The film’s look is absolutely sublime, and I could wallpaper my house with the paintings from the opening credits. Nineteen-Thirties London never looked so dreamy and inviting. The bold, crisp sets have the confidence the film lacks, and I only wish the visual richness carried over to the movie’s other aspects.

“A Conversation” by Ben Whishaw:

“Can You Imagine That” by Emily Blunt, Pixie Davies, Joel Dawson, and Nathanael Saleh:

“The Royal Doulton Music Hall” by Emily Blunt, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Pixie Davies, Joel Dawson, and Nathanael Saleh:

“A Cover is Not the Book” by Emily Blunt and Lin-Manuel Miranda:

“The Place Where Lost Things Go” by Emily Blunt:

“Turning Turtle” by Meryl Streep, Emily Blunt, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Pixie Davies, Joel Dawson, and Nathanael Saleh:

“Trip a Little Light Fantastic” by Lin-Manuel Miranda, Emily Blunt, Tarik Frimpong, Pixie Davies, Joel Dawson, and Nathanael Saleh:

“Nowhere to Go but Up” by Angela Lansbury and cast:

Released: 2018
Prod: Rob Marshall, John DeLuca, Marc Platt
Dir: Rob Marshall
Writer: David Magee
Cast: Emily Blunt, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Ben Whishaw, Emily Mortimer, Julie Walters, Pixie Davis, Nathanael Saleh, Joel Dawson, Colin Firth, Meryl Streep, David Warner, Jim Norton, Jeremy Swift, Kobna Holdbrook-Smith, Angela Lansbury, Dick Van Dyke, Noma Dumezweni
Time: 130 min
Lang: English
Country: United States
Reviewed: 2019